Friday, November 14, 2008

I just saw the trailer and...

To those readers who wish to save some time and not bother reading this, skip to the big print at the bottom, it'll sum up the entire trailer for you. That will save you 4 minutes of your life, 2 for reading this blog and 2 for seeing the retarded trailer in a theater.


Exactly like every scifi action movie ever. It looks flashy. It has action just for the sake of action.

It starts with a car chase. What the FUCK is the point of that? A Car a young Kirk. Kirk, who didn't know how to fucking drive a car in the episode "A Piece of the Action."

Oooh, ahhh, flashy explosions. TREK ISN'T ABOUT FUCKING EXPLOSIONS!!!! It's about a well written story AND a few explosions thrown in for good fucking measure.

Star Trek has always had a feel to it. It was always alive.

JJ Abrams has shown with this trailer that he has NO fucking clue how to give Trek the life it deserves and instead he settles for canted angles, "excitement" for the sake of excitement(IE, no story, just a roller coaster with too many fucking loops), and hey, sets that look like they were taken straight from...

Fucking Lost In Fucking Space The Movie.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like that movie for what it is- a bad attempt to make a crappy show into a blockbuster.

There was, however, one single split second that got my hopes up.

Zachary Quinto as Spock.

He has some swirly light orb things going around him and he looks up. That's the ONLY fucking part of this that made me go "Wow, it's Star Trek."

But that has nothing to do with the movie! That has to do with the one thing that JJ has gotten correct- casting a person who looks similar to an original series actor who MIGHT be able to act.

Bravo. You got something right. Too bad you fucking failed on all the rest so far!

What the fuck!? Kirk rides a motorcycle up to see the Enterprise being built on the ground? Have you not read the fucking writers bible that GENE FUCKING RODDENBERRY WROTE TO GIVE THE BASICS OF WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WRITERS?!?!

Enteprise was built at San Francisco Shipyards... IN ORBIT ABOVE SAN FRAN FUCKING CISCO.

Not only that, JJ Abrams is going for "real" with this movie. To make Star Trek seem real.



His words. Not mine.


Even WITH advanced technology, I don't see how ANYONE could possibly think that logically it would make ANY sense to build something THAT LARGE on Earth.

And what the fuck is with making moderately insignificant ethnic roles more important lately?! First with Storm in X-Men's 2 and 3 and now with Trek?

What the fuck?

Uhura, no offense, but you're not exactly a MAJOR fucking part of any of the good stories unless you're being used to exploit someone because you're "hot". What the hell is with the dramatic pause on her on the bridge with her behind some fucking glass "star chart" map thing which is ripped directly from fucking the bridge of a starship on TV's Stargate SG-1.

This movie looks, from the trailer, to be another JJ Abrams smash which, unfortunately, means it will suck royally but make so much money that every fucking moron in the world will throw their money at him.

JJ, you are fucking murdering Star Trek. Why the fuck are you doing that?

What the fuck did Star Trek ever do to you?

Did it rape your dog? Did it keep you from having a dog!?

Did it come to your house on Christmas Eve Hanukkah and destroy your house before shitting on it and saying it respected that which you held dear?

To sum this up for anyone who didn't care to read, let me save you some time, don't look up the trailer online, don't go out and see James Bond just to see the trailer, let me save you some time:

It looks like every other scifi action movie ever, but with Trek ships* in it.


* - If you consider those pieces of shit that were made for this movie "Trek" ships and not "Ugly Pieces of Shit" ships.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My First Entry On This Thing

Welcome to my first post. I'm a fan of Star Trek and scifi in general. Mostly, I'm open to new ideas. I, like so many others, was super excited to hear that a new Trek movie was going to be made.

Since then, almost every new piece of information has killed a small piece of my love for something new.

The most recent is the awful thing they're calling the Enterprise.

For those who haven't seen it, here it is:

The only thing that they got correct is the saucer, but honestly, how difficult is it to get a saucer shape correct? Not at all. That was just dumb luck on their part, in my opinion.

Now, I'm a fan, so maybe you don't think I have any background in designing things and such and, for the most part, you'd be correct. I design my own stuff for my own short films which are continually in production hell. So, I'll just say for the record that Rick Sternbach, one of the lead designers from Star Trek TMP through Voyager doesn't like it.

My true open and honest opinion of the new design based on that picture is that it is absolute garbage. Ryan Church, based on this image, you took what was a classic scifi design and murdered it. Mr. Abrams, by allowing that to be what represents Trek in your film, you have shown that your supposed "Supreme Court" of Star Trek knowledge is retarded.

Of course, Mr. Abrams, you proved that when you let the bridge turn into the overly busy Apple iBridge. But more on that in a different post.

This design they have unleashed on us as the Enterprise has all the same horrid design mistakes that plagued Transformers- and what a coincidence, same designer worked on that movie. Way to go. I wonder if the Enterprise will look like a bionicle before this Trek series is done.

That said, the design isn't totally for a loss, it just needs some revisions(something which I'm sure will definitely not happen because JJ Abrams and company seem to think they've done it "right").

For example, a guy by the name of Daniel Broadway posted this over on

Notice how with just a few tweaks the design works? It makes sense. It flows into what comes after it(that which we see in the Original Series of Star Trek). Or at least, it makes wayyy more sense.

This is the first of what will likely be many blogs of me bitching about this movie and will continue until I see the movie.

Coming soon? My take on the new trailer.