Friday, November 14, 2008

I just saw the trailer and...



To those readers who wish to save some time and not bother reading this, skip to the big print at the bottom, it'll sum up the entire trailer for you. That will save you 4 minutes of your life, 2 for reading this blog and 2 for seeing the retarded trailer in a theater.




WOOOWWWWW!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!! IT LOOKS...

Exactly like every scifi action movie ever. It looks flashy. It has action just for the sake of action.

It starts with a car chase. What the FUCK is the point of that? A Car chase...by a young Kirk. Kirk, who didn't know how to fucking drive a car in the episode "A Piece of the Action."

Oooh, ahhh, flashy explosions. TREK ISN'T ABOUT FUCKING EXPLOSIONS!!!! It's about a well written story AND a few explosions thrown in for good fucking measure.

Star Trek has always had a feel to it. It was always alive.

JJ Abrams has shown with this trailer that he has NO fucking clue how to give Trek the life it deserves and instead he settles for canted angles, "excitement" for the sake of excitement(IE, no story, just a roller coaster with too many fucking loops), and hey, sets that look like they were taken straight from...

Fucking Lost In Fucking Space The Movie.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like that movie for what it is- a bad attempt to make a crappy show into a blockbuster.

There was, however, one single split second that got my hopes up.

Zachary Quinto as Spock.

He has some swirly light orb things going around him and he looks up. That's the ONLY fucking part of this that made me go "Wow, it's Star Trek."

But that has nothing to do with the movie! That has to do with the one thing that JJ has gotten correct- casting a person who looks similar to an original series actor who MIGHT be able to act.

Bravo. You got something right. Too bad you fucking failed on all the rest so far!

What the fuck!? Kirk rides a motorcycle up to see the Enterprise being built on the ground? Have you not read the fucking writers bible that GENE FUCKING RODDENBERRY WROTE TO GIVE THE BASICS OF WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WRITERS?!?!

Enteprise was built at San Francisco Shipyards... IN ORBIT ABOVE SAN FRAN FUCKING CISCO.

Not only that, JJ Abrams is going for "real" with this movie. To make Star Trek seem real.

Real.

Realistic.

His words. Not mine.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE BUILD SOMETHING THAT BIG AND HEAVY ON EARTH AND NOT IN SPACE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MORE LABOR INTENSIVE THAT WOULD FUCKING BE?!?!

Even WITH advanced technology, I don't see how ANYONE could possibly think that logically it would make ANY sense to build something THAT LARGE on Earth.

And what the fuck is with making moderately insignificant ethnic roles more important lately?! First with Storm in X-Men's 2 and 3 and now with Trek?

What the fuck?

Uhura, no offense, but you're not exactly a MAJOR fucking part of any of the good stories unless you're being used to exploit someone because you're "hot". What the hell is with the dramatic pause on her on the bridge with her behind some fucking glass "star chart" map thing which is ripped directly from fucking the bridge of a starship on TV's Stargate SG-1.

This movie looks, from the trailer, to be another JJ Abrams smash which, unfortunately, means it will suck royally but make so much money that every fucking moron in the world will throw their money at him.

JJ, you are fucking murdering Star Trek. Why the fuck are you doing that?

What the fuck did Star Trek ever do to you?

Did it rape your dog? Did it keep you from having a dog!?

Did it come to your house on Christmas Eve Hanukkah and destroy your house before shitting on it and saying it respected that which you held dear?



To sum this up for anyone who didn't care to read, let me save you some time, don't look up the trailer online, don't go out and see James Bond just to see the trailer, let me save you some time:


It looks like every other scifi action movie ever, but with Trek ships* in it.

Fail.


* - If you consider those pieces of shit that were made for this movie "Trek" ships and not "Ugly Pieces of Shit" ships.

7 comments:

Conlaeb said...

Great, just when I had myself convinced that this was going to be the first good Trek in a while. Thanks for letting me know the unfortunate truth.

BeltFed said...

Conlaeb: Dont worry yourself with the profanity laced rantings of this guy.
This movie is what it is. It ISNT supposed to be a retelling of the STAR TREK franchise. It ISNT supposed to be a word-for-word reenaction of the Roddenberry Bible.
It IS a reboot - something that this stale franchise has needed for more than a few years, my friends. Take it for what it is... and for what its worth.
I, for one, look forward to seeing what Abrams has done. I am not a huge fan, but its Star Trek, right?
And besides - this poster lost all credibility with me at about his 14-15th use of the word "FUCK".
Fucking moron...

Will said...

Damn, I lost credibility with you... lol

I know it's not supposed to be a true canonical prequel now, however, that is my PROBLEM with Abrams.

Abrams and company danced around this for months saying it would honor and be faithful to the Star Trek that came before it and that it wasn't a reboot. Why didn't he just come out and say, from the start, that it was a reboot? And if it's a pure reboot, why is Nimoy in it as his original series character?

I agree, take the movie for what it is. However, I think this will turn out to be another JJ Abrams and company overly flashy turd. Granted, I haven't seen the movie, but I still think that's what it will be, but hope to be proven wrong.

So far, nothing has shown me that this is going to be anything Abrams had said it would be.

afallucco said...

I agree with you 150% Roddenberry wrote star trek for the sake of starting disscussions in the time where those disscussions needed to be talked about. Star Trek is about the story not action. Star Trek doesn't need a reboot. It never did.

Dave said...

How about seeing the actual movie before reviewing it? That would be original, eh?

Will said...

I plan to see the actual movie. I also plan to review every piece of info that comes out that leads me to believe that this movie will NOT be Star Trek but instead an overly flashy throw away movie.

JMC said...

Everyone knows that trailers are only there to put asses in the theater seats. They have a very poor track record of actually describing the movie, itself. I love Star Trek, and I'm excited to see a new take on it.